THE Wickerman music festival was on at Dumfries and Galloway at the weekend. The local police used social media to declare: "Lovely morning at Wickerman Festival. We are pleased to report that there were very few innocents overnight."

Some might say it was a misprint, others might say that there rarely are after folk have spent the night at a music festival.

AMERICAN country singer Otis Gibbs, a regular performer in Glasgow, told fans this week: "I had a really nice gig in Cardiff. Afterwards a guy walked up to me and said, 'I want you to know that your music saved my life.' I laughed and said, 'That's ridiculous', but he said, 'It's true. I was in a coma for five months and the doctors weren't able to revive me. They'd given up hope. Then one day a nurse came in with a CD player and put in one of your CDs.

"'I immediately woke up, sat up on the edge of my bed, then walked across the room and turned off the CD player'."

BUS passes continued. Jim Meikle says: "At the National Museum of Scotland, when there was still an admission charge, all three of my companions produced their bus passes as they were eligible for a concession. When I reached the desk the young lady looked at me and asked, 'Concession sir?' I pretended to be offended and said, 'Surely you don't think I'm that old?' She immediately replied, 'No, but I thought you might be a student'."

OUR tales of professional insults remind retired Dundee MP Jim McGovern: "I remember attending a trade union meeting where a member said of our rep., 'Shop steward? He couldnae negotiate a revolving door!"

And Grant Young says his father-in-law, a former engineer at the Sorn Pit in Ayrshire, could recall an electrician whom the men claimed "couldnae get juice oot a Jaffa."

OUR story about road markings outside a disused school reminds Ian Arnott in Peterborough: "There was the lazy Glasgow gym teacher in the staff room when the inspector arrived unexpectedly, and wanted to know why he was not supervising the boys' football at the municipal sports field as per his timetable. The teacher explained, 'I give the boys the ball and let them go down to the sports field on theirr own as it helps them develop their independence and self-reliance'.

"The inspector said they would go in his car and have a look. When they arrived they found the field was covered by a new Corporation housing estate."

IT'S that time of year when some parents take the plunge and go on holiday leaving their grown-up children at home. Says Mungo Henning: "Having jetted off to the sun for a week, leaving our 23-year-old son in the house, he told us on our return that he initially wasn't that aware about our absence until the day he opened the fridge and heard an echo."

MUCH discussion about Scotland being drawn in the same World Cup qualifying group as England. Says James Doleman: "Tough World Cup draw for Scotland.

"Slovakia are a difficult side."

Pete Sinclair in England goes for the shrewder: "Just seen the World Cup draw. Typical! Scotland gets a tough group while England get an easy one."