A NEWTON Mearns chap, known as a bit of a hypochondriac, was telling his pals of a recent check-up at his doctor's. He told them: "The doc told me after some tests, 'You're blood pressure is a bit high, but I wouldn't worry about it.' So I told him that if he had some high blood pressure, I wouldn't worry about it either."

SOME weather and it's still August. We think an Edinburgh housewife spoke for many of us when she confided to friends yesterday: "As soon as Alastair goes out to play golf this morning, I am going to turn on the heating."

OUR restaurant tales remind Ronald Oliver in Elie of former Irish rugby international player turned billionaire businessman Tony O'Reilly. Says Ronald: "The story was that in a famous Dublin restaurant where Tony was well known he shouted over to one of the waiters that one of his important business guests wanted a Chateaubriand. The waiter replied, 'Hang on a minute Tony and I'll send the wine waiter over'."

LANCASTRIAN stand-up Dan Nightingale is appearing at Glasgow's Drygate tonight. A reader who saw him recently said that Dan was being all mushy about having a new girlfriend whom he thought could be the one. Dan explained how important she was to him: "First date, Pizza Express. I didn't even download a voucher, that's how much I liked her. That's how you know it's for keeps isn't it, when it's a two-for-one night and you're not applying for it."

MEANWHILE over at the Edinburgh Fringe, comedian Hal Cruttenden, who’s performing his show Straight Outta Cruttenden at the Pleasance Courtyard, mentioned to the audience that his wife had received red roses from someone else on the day of their 15th wedding anniversary, on Valentine’s Day. “I don’t think she’s having an affair,” he said. “You can tell after 15 years. She’s not happy or anything.”

AND stand-up Stewart Francis, at the Assembly Rooms, was bemused by some of Scotland's more colourful traditional songs. “Only in Scotland would you have a song reminding you not to shove your granny off a bus. In most countries it’s just a given.”

SO the Prime Minister stuffs another 40 or so unelected folk into the House of Lords including Michelle Mone, Alistair Darling and Ming Campbell. As SNP MP Pete Wishart suggested: "Our new Scottish Lords should parade up Princes Street to give the Scottish people a chance to cheer them on."

However we like the perspective from abroad with the Russian news agency RT explaining: "The latest round of appointees will make the House of Lords the second-biggest legislative chamber in the world after the National People’s Congress in China."

WE mentioned the interminable Labour leadership contest. Every time the candidates come together there is usually a stiffly-posed candidates picture with a bearded Jeremy Corbyn and the slicker-looking younger candidates. As Glasgow stand-up Frankie Boyle described such get-togethers: "Every photo of the candidates looks like the staff room of a failing comprehensive feigning amusement at being photo-bombed by the janitor."