YOU need to know your buses in Glasgow. A reader was on a bus going to Braehead from the city centre, but some folk were taken unawares when it veered off the route to take a detour to the new hospital on the south side.

"If ah'd knew it wis gonnae take this long," declared the wee wummin behind our reader, "ah'd a brung ma flask!"

THE Herald reported that American stand-up Doug Stanhope helped talk a potential suicide out of jumping from a bridge in Edinburgh. It was quite an eventful visit to Scotland for Doug as he also told social media after his Glasgow gig: "Only two major brawls in otherwise fantastic Glasgow theatre audience. Glasgow crowd makes Philadelphia look like San Francisco. I love you creeps."

He later added: "Update! Correction! Security just advised there were five fights and nine ejections as he brought complimentary champagne to green room."

Just another night in Glasgow.

SEEMINGLY it was National Badger Day yesterday which reminds us of the English police force which was trying to cut crime figures by talking folk out of reporting crimes. An officer went to a house where the occupants claimed they had been broken into and showed the officer scratch marks on their patio doors. "Could have been a badger," he told them. However they pointed out that their 42-inch TV was missing.

"Must have been two of them," replied the officer.

EVEN apparently sensible grown-ups are now using these little yellow people in their text messages. It reminds us of the little child who asked: “Grandpa. What was it like before emojis?” “Well,” her grandfather replied, “we used words called adjectives.”

READER Ada McDonald is in a Glasgow department story where a middle-aged lady asked a fellow shopper: "That’s a lovely cardigan you’re wearing. Would you mind telling me where you got it?" Ada was quite taken that the woman wanted to be helpful, for after replying: "Aw, ah cannae mind hen," she thought for a moment then added: "But ye can get it in blue and beige.”

RADIO presenter Danny Baker tells in his just published autobiography Going to Sea in a Sieve that he once worked in a record store where singer Marc Bolan came in, and when Danny admired his shirt, Marc said it was a one-off from New York - and promptly gave it to Danny. For weeks Danny wore it with pride until he couldn't find it one day, and his mother said she had put it on a boil wash. When he found that it had shrunk to the size that would fit a ventriloquist's doll, Danny told his mum the instructions said "Dry clean only" but his mum replied: "Who the hell dry cleans a shirt? If it can't take a wash what's the point in having it?"

OUR story about firemen reminds Jim Morrison: "A friend was working on a container ship in Dublin when a small fire broke out in the engine room.The fire brigade were called but by the time they arrived the ship's fire fighting team had extinguished it.The firemen apologised for taking so long to get to the ship and then stayed for a duty-free beer with the crew. Several beers later they left, only to return to ask for a shove to get the fire engine started.

"The crew did think that's why they were late getting to the ship in the first place."

A PIECE of daftness from Bill Dare, visiting London, who says: "The tube announcer said 'use all available doors'. Took me seven stops but I managed it."