ALLISON Russell in Burnside visited her GP and tells us: "An elderly man who didn't look in too great a shape, much to the rest of the busy waiting room's surprise, returned very quickly from his appointment and rejoined his wife who was engrossed in reading a magazine. Without looking up at her poorly, out-of-puff husband, she said, 'You were quick, Did she pronounce you deid?'"

AND that reminds us of the patient at A and E in Glasgow who was put on a heart monitor after complaining of chest pains. When the doctor arrived at his cubicle and asked if he smoked, the patient replied that he had given up.

"How long ago?" asked the doctor. "Half an hour," replied the patient.

THE Herald obituary of former Scotland and Hawick rugby player Billy Hunter reminds Hugh Brennan: "After over 20 years of turning out for The Greens, Billy had had enough and decided to retire. His team-mates were congratulating him and saying how much they would miss him as well as going over games they had played, battles they had all gone through on the field, and wondering what were they all going to do without him in the side.

"When they had just about finished, from the corner of the dressing room George Stevenson, his former international colleague asked, 'Fit ’ill ye be dae’in wi’ yer ald bits?'”

TRICKY stuff the dating business. A reader in a Glasgow pub hears a young chap tell his pals: "I tried one of those dating sites and came across a good looking woman from the west end. Then I read under 'What she was looking for in a man.' she had written, 'Someone who will hold my cats while I take pictures of them wearing sunglasses'. Decided to pass."

AND talking of pubs, a reader swears to us he heard a young man in a Byres Road pub tell a woman that he was God's gift to women. "Only if God shops in Poundland," she replied.

FOLK in America are still talking about Donald Trump's bombastic appearance in the Presidential debate against a calm and collected Hillary Clinton. Jerry Springer, host of the popular confessional talk-show simply stated on social media: "Hillary Clinton belongs in the White House. Donald Trump belongs on my show."

Trump even tried to elicit sympathy by saying his microphone had malfunctioned. As Tom Freemen put it: "Yes, he was badly let down by his microphone. It kept picking up the actual things he actually said and transmitting them to the public."

WE mentioned passport photographs, and Maureen Hutchison in Pollokshaws says: "One time when I returned from holiday I was met at Glasgow Airport by the security man who looked at my photo, looked back at me, and said, 'My God hen, you were needin' a holiday'."

THE football world is still in shock over the sudden demise as England manager of Sam Allardyce. John Henderson tells us: "There's an anecdote in Joey Barton’s autobiography, No Nonsense, that features a young Sam Allardyce, wearing a thong and basted to within an inch of his life with suntan lotion on a Spanish beach, being buried up to his neck for hours as a forfeit for losing a wrestling match with one of his Preston team-mates and becoming so hungry during his incarceration that he ate 14 fried eggs in one sitting afterwards."