Hairy situation
A SINGLE friend of reader Victoria Whitehead revealed that she has started dating a new fella.
Victoria congratulated her, though the friend didn’t seem overly delighted with her new situation.
“I’m not entirely sure he’s right for me,” she explained, adding ominously: “He has a beard.”
Victoria inquired why this was such a drawback in the dating stakes.
“I keep imagining what sort of face is lurking under that thing,” shuddered her friend. “It could be Brad Pitt or Nigel Farage. How can I tell?”
Mystery girl
WE mentioned a certain American pop music princess, leading reader Mike Wagner to ruefully admit: “I’m so out of touch with modern culture that I assumed Taylor Swift is someone who can sew the buttons on your jacket really quickly.”
Tome = tomb
EDINBURGH English teacher Gail Martin was saddened by the recent death of Paul Auster, her favourite novelist.
Discussing his passing with one of her classes, she admitted that knowing he is no longer alive has changed her relationship with his fiction in some indefinable way.
“Do you think it matters to you whether your favourite author is living or dead?” Gail asked the pupils.
They merely shrugged, with one girl answering: “I kinda thought that the only way you can have a book in the shops is if you’re dead.”
Magic moments
OBSERVANT reader Chris Robertson noticed that his wife was no longer using one of her favourite phrases, "touch wood", so he asked her why.
“I’ve decided to stop being so superstitious,” she admitted. “It’ll only bring me bad luck.”
Home improvements
WE asked our readers to imagine a daring yet kindly cat burglar who only breaks into houses to steal objects that will mildly inconvenience his victims.
“If such a robber genuinely existed,” says Jenny Harris, “I assume he’d steal my husband.
“It would result in the lawn being unmown and dirty dishes in the sink. In other words, no difference to when my husband is around.”
Shopping slip-up
THE other day Matt Lloyd was leaving the supermarket when a random bloke approached, then quickly backed off, saying: “Sorry, thought you were someone else.”
Matt immediately fired back: “If I’m not the person you thought I was, then you’re absolutely right - I am someone else.”
Get the legendary Herald Diary straight to your inbox.
No exit
“ONE of the problems faced by the modern homeowner is that it’s impossible to evict a yoga instructor squatting in your house,” reveals reader Douglas Clarke. “Every time you ask her to leave she says, ‘Namaste’.”
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules here